I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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