I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
