I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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