new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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