I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
