It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
