Michael Bay diarrhea
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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