I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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