I feel like abortions should bother me more
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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