the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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