Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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