I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
