You're my little dorito
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
