Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
