I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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