Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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