I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
