I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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