hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
