if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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