I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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