I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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