As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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