omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
