I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
