It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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