you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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