Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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