You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
