I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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