im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
