Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
