I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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