forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
