I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
