The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Of course I have a pirate flag
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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