Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Dignity is for republicans.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
