i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
