i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
