i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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