I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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