he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
