Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
