I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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