Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
