can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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