grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
