saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
