haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
