No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
