So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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