i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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